When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
You Might Also Like
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries