[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
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This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.