I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
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By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you