you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
You Might Also Like
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Yes, this is exactly right