“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
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Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Had to try this trend 😊
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
These work great until they don’t.