Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
You Might Also Like
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”