corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
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not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions