I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
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dictator is short for richard potato
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
cats when you pet them too long:
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down