I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
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One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
See..?
.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.