Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
You Might Also Like
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I love art.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…