the best thing i’ve ever made
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*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers