[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
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Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Has there ever been a more American story?
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.