When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
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the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
my one true gender
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!