Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
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you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!