Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
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Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
saw this in a dream
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Salad is the decaf of food.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
LOL!
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”