13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
You Might Also Like
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like