If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
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Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
sliding into dms like
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food