My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
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too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.