Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
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Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>