7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
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Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
This squirrel eats better than I do
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.