[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
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Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
every. time.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”