Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
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Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.