in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
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Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.