Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
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Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
water it, i dare you
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try