Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
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HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.