Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
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I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
haha same
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.