The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
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It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
jesus, what did this guy do
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
I’m listening
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]