First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
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I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
The Joker was right
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.