i think both sides are to blame here
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ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.