The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
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My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary