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*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Me recordaron éste meme
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*