When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
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Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
The second world war should have been called world war returns