[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
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One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
mumsnet is amazing
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy