Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
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When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Never forget.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Fiction has to make sense.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂