Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
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doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”