Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
You Might Also Like
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth