Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
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[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Always…
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?