[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
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You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*