I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
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Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
just pretend nothing happened
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
spot the difference
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual