You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
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Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.