At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
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Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
I was bored.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.