Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
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[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.