The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
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When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
tinder is all about the long game
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.