*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
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apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
PLEASE READ
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.