Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
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I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?