Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
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[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Thrilling chase underway
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*