I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
You Might Also Like
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Worlds greatest photobomb
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it