[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
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What is going on? 😅
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.