Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
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dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
You have been warned.
No Google it does not
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
#MeanwhileInCanada
termite twitter scares me
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Breaking news:
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.