I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
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Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Still a very good boi….
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one